Fluffy’s New Year’s Resolutions

Exercise, Social Skills, and Grooming

Kate Preston

• I will not pee on Madam’s bed.
• I will keep my claws to myself, unless Madam’s boyfriend brings his Irish Wolfhound. I don’t have to put up with that!
• I will bring a mouse to those whom I truly love.
• I will always leave them wanting more: I’ll walk away before they pick me up.
• I will not try the “downward dog” ever again in front of Madam’s poodle. Jealousy is an ugly thing, and that creature has no self-control.
• I must remember: The bird feeder is off limits.
• I will be kind, and purr in the laps of people who just THINK they don’t like cats.
• I will share my toys. Except with the Irish Wolfhound.
• I will meow loudly for dinner, and won’t lick my lips – they don’t understand body language.
• I will enjoy fresh laundry, but avoid the metal monster that burps it.
• I will wash my face after every meal — and anyone else’s that needs it.
• I will control the impulse to get high: Chairs are reasonable; the top of the refrigerator is not.
• I will cultivate wickedness: It’s expected.
• I will use a sterilized straw to drink from the toilet.
• I will keep litter inside the litter box, unless it is not clean. Then it’s OK to make a statement.
• I will climb that ficus tree in the living room corner at least once.
• I will remind Madam that I am not broken and don’t need to “get fixed” by the vet.
• I will confine play to special toys: bags, Christmas ornaments, cell phone cables, her boyfriend’s hairpiece, earrings, goldfish, house plants, toilet paper, designer sweaters, my tail tip, and old dried furballs.